I HATE BEING A BEGINNER!

I've started pursuing painting properly this year (got myself a coach, bought materials, I'm doing lots of research, cleared a work space, cleared my diary) and now a few months in I'm a little puzzled to find that my confidence is at an all time low.
Apparently, this is quite common. After the initial excitement of finally getting to follow my dreams, of getting creative juices flowing and the fun of getting started, I've found myself tripping over feelings of frustration and regret that I didn't start on this journey sooner, impatient that I'm not 10 or 20 years further down the line.

I remember reading about this in the book 'The Artists Way' by Julia Cameron (a book that I've found SO helpful, although a bit Newagey at times)
"Don't measure beginning work against the masterpieces of other artists. Mistakes are necessary, stumbles are normal. Progress not perfection is what we should be asking of ourselves. Not too far, not too fast. This goes against the ego's grain. We want to be great - immediately. It is an awkward, tentative, even embarassing process. There will be many times when we won't look good - to ourselves or anyone else. We need to stop demanding that we do. It is impossible to get better and look good at the same time. You must be willing to be a bad artist. Give yourself permission to be a beginner. By being willing to be a bad artist, you have a chance to be an artist, and perhaps, over time a very good one."

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I decided recently that one way of giving myself a break from trying too hard and expecting too much was if I closed my eyes. Blindly selecting felt tip pen colours from my bag and making marks whilst worshipping, then seeing what I'd drawn and adding into them a little with water and more pen. This has introduced me to a much freer, more expressive and fun way of working.

It's not been a very comfortable ride so far. I repeatedly face the paper or canvas not knowing how to get the materials I've bought, to do what I want them to do.  At times my feeling of inadequacy is tangible, my chest tightens my heart fluttering with anxiety, my eyes fill with tears, I feel fearful, angry and over whelmed. I feel foolish and rubbish.
WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT?! I've always loved being creative, learning new things, experimenting with arty stuff? I guess, truth is, it's never mattered as much as it does now. Now I call myself an artist, now I'm doing what I've always wanted to do. Am I going to actually be good enough, will I manage to meet my own expectations and high standards?

So what do I do? I turn up to the 'page' each day. I stop striving, I let go of years wasted and years not yet lived. I play, I experiment, I pray, I worship, I receive grace, I embrace the moment, the process, the journey. I trust and lean into God's calling and delight in me.

... I hesitate to post this as it's all so obvious, it's common sense really. But where the rubber hits the road, where the paint meets the canvas takes a step of faith, which takes us out of our comfort zone, and maybe me sharing about the road I'm travelling will help you a little, as you step out of your boat and into whatever you're meant to be doing next.